Crying. It is seen as a social stigma to cry, especially for the male humanoid species. Because crying is seen as weak. Because the society's perception is that revealing emotions, being emotional, is weak.

But a man cries too. A man sheds tears too. After all, he is no different. The only difference is just that they chose to encase themselves in shells, a hard covering for a soft center. And just how deep can the soft center be found, it depends on different individuals.

And there can only be ONE reason for a man to shed tears. Only one. For his loved ones. A man only sheds tears for his loved ones. No other reason is there to.

Quite recently, I have found such foreign objects in the windows of my soul as well. More often than not.

I see Hope, almost gone. I see the candle by the window, its light flickering, almost gone under the strong wind blowing in through the windows, the curtains billowing.

I see Despair. The shadows casted across the walls, dancing a slow dance. And if I look carefully enough, I see someone crouched in the corner, his eyes filled with despair, his shoulders heaving.

I see Weariness. The shoulders drooped, no longer upright as it was. The eyes, they have lost their gleam.

And yet, somehow, I see something. Something in him tells him to fight on. Against all odds. Ignore the pain.

Easier said than done.

Pom lak kun.

MISSING

Owner is looking for a heart. Missing on the 29th of March. Roughly around 9p.m Singapore time. Last seen in Shaw Towers Cinema. It is slightly bigger than a fist and is purplish in colour. If anyone has seen it, please reply to this post immediately. Any successful help would be greatly appreciated. Suggestions to alleviate the loss is also welcomed.

Hi my dear friends, I am back. Back from my hiatus of poring over texts, of labouring over financial issues, of pondering over matters that are way beyond my control. Back from my paradise, back into the cruel and cold world.

For this past nine days that I have been gone from this sunny little island, I have never regret a single moment of it. To describe it day by day, minute by minute of what I have done would simply be doing an injustice to the overall beauty of the land, the beauty of the experience, and the beauty of the company that I have been in. Even if they were to do justice to it, I fear it would be too monotonous for you, making this tomes of mine into another "every day every minute" kind of blog. Those kind of tomes that I cannot stand, those kind that tries to act what they are not.

This journey, as I have mentioned, was an apprehensive one to begin with. One that begins with unfamiliar companions, three and a half strangers. Where did the half come from? Only God knows...But I can tell you that indeed, there are three and a half strangers. Perhaps using strangers may be too strong a word. Let's just change them to friends. Casual acquaintances. Nothing more. Three and a half of them.

For me, it began with no end in mind, no purpose at all. I couldn't even see the end of this small road that I was taking. Like any other night in London, it was all foggy. The fatal marshes lie at the outskirts of the tiny lane, and any misstep would probably result in a slow, if not muddy death. For them? Plenty of purposes, plenty of ends. They all set out to have fun, to shop, no holds barred. At least for some of them.

During the nine days, many things happened. Happy things and sad things. More often than not, it was the happy things. I dare to say that every fellow on the journey had fun and thoroughly enjoyed himself or herself. I don't think one would have such fun if one goes with their kin.

As the days progressed, the road gradually became clearer. The sun came out and sent the fog to hell. There were quite a few bumps that almost caused me to veer off course, but it was easily settled in the dead of the night with the other half of my self. No words can do justice to how I feel. Ah, pardon me! I'm weighing you down with all my troubles! How callous of me.

I'm glad.

Glad to make three new friends.

Glad that the fog has lifted.

Glad for everything that has happened to me.

I am blessed.

Cursed, if all these were to be taken away from me. Again. If the fog settles back.

But fret not. Without struggles, life would be meaningless. Just like the newly morphed butterfly wouldn't have hard enough wings to fly if he doesn't struggle against opening the cocoon.

What a cliche.


Yours truly
Aristocrat

The Road

A road afar
Just beyond the touches
Of the horizon
At times
Long and sharp,
Full of potholes no less
But
At othertimes
Smooth and easy
Just a long road
With a good view
A road that I chose
To walk with her
Her laughter and smiles
Making the road
Seems less sharp and long
Her company
Making the smooth and easy times
Feel like heaven
Though how'evr short it was
She, a miraculous angel indeed!


*written for her

**********

Dear readers, today I will be leaving for a short hiatus... Which should probably be one week or so? For this period of time, I won't be writing, as per expected. It seems like a trip which one should look forward to, but I am somewhat apprehensive about this.

This trip means quite a lot to me, perhaps that is the reason why...

Au revoir

Just Because *edited*

Because you are here, that is why I do not feel tired.

Because you are here, I feel that I'm capable enough of anything.

Because you are here, even the insurmountable odds seem surmountable. The odd hand of cards doesn't seem so bad anymore.

The sky even seems brighter, as though you were the sun. And me the earth, lighting up every corner of me, driving away the darkness and despair.

Because you are here. Right beside me.

That is why.

The fear of failure. As far as possible, predominant in Asians. Particularly of the Generation X.

The fear of failure. Is that why we mortals do not dare to hope for too much? Is that why we do not dare to spread our wings and soar? Why not be Icarus for a moment? Icarus, but not as reckless or brainless as him.

Or was I Icarus for a moment? Perhaps. That moment seemed so long ago. But I shall have my Persephone to release me from the gates of Hell, so that I can walk in the world of the living. No matter.

One mustn't fear failure.

One must learn to have hope.

To have dreams.

Even if God deals you a bad stack of cards, do not fear the odds. Hope is no doubt a double-edged sword, for it deals pain as well as happiness. But only either or.

I saw the chains of fear tying my heart down to the ground, preventing me from flying up high. And so I released those cumbersome chains. To reach my destination.

If ever I should fall, it would be a worthy fall indeed.

Indeed.

Trust

Trust. What a simple five-lettered word.

"Trust me." Short and sweet.

But when I looked up, the sky was falling on me...

But what the heck, I'll trust you all the same.

Even if the world is falling around me...even if I'm falling down...

All because of a four-lettered word.

Pain, the Guiding Light

All his instincts told him to turn away.

"Go go go! Turn your head away and move on!" his brains screamed at him.

"No point in waiting, just move on with your life," the others re-emphasized the point. It seems right that he should move on, after all, it didn't seem fair. It wasn't fair that he did so many things and got nothing in return. It wasn't fair that he got treated this way. After all, he did gave his heart and soul.

Perhaps, therein lied the problem, he chuckled. He lost himself when he gave his heart and soul to her, and now, he couldn't really live. Not without her anyway.

In the midst of the mental commotion, something suddenly surfaced upon the deep black sea...

"For the matters of the heart, just follow your heart, why follow the head?"

"Makes some sense," he thought rather grimly. But if he were to follow his heart, he had no doubt that route would bring him more pain and perhaps, he would be burnt rather badly in the process. The other route was to give up and move on, like what his friend said. It would be easier for him as well. And perhaps, given some time, he would have recovered and move on.

But, that was the coward's way out. He was not a coward. He truly loved her. And giving her up to the vultures would perhaps be the greatest regret he would ever harbour.

"Ee ni me ni my ni more."


**********


"Alright, pain shall be my saviour and my guiding light. I shall take that painful route, where it is long and sharp."

"You really ee ni me ni my ni more ah?" his friend said incredulousy.

"Of course not! What do you take me for? I was just pulling your leg for God's sake!" he retorted with a smile.

"Why make life difficult for yourself?"

"Because I love her...that's about it I guess."

"Because the heart has reasons that reason cannot comprehend."

"Because I would want to follow her to the edge of time."

"If she falls, I want to be the one to carry her up."

"If she needs a shoulder, I want to be that shoulder."

"If she's tired, I would carry her and do the walking for her."

"And if she doesn't need me, I would just silently trod behind her."

"I would be her guardian angel."

His friend just stood there, speechless at how dumb and idiotic his friend could be...

Lessons Learnt

In this short life of eighty or so years, there are many things that Man can achieve. Man has travelled to the moon, conducted space exploration and so many other milestones that advances Mankind.

However, in the beginning, not all Man was that capable. When mortals first take their breath in the world, they don't even have the capacity to store and record much information at all, unlike the otherkind that I know of. Those who are born with the capacity to think and process information immediately, to fight for their own survival within minutes of being born.

That is why, mortals have this repairment process called lessons. Where they are taught the techniques of the world and so on and so forth. When classroom lessons fail, life experiences take over. In a sense, both are still lessons, but life experiences are much more painful and more bitter medicine to swallow.

And so, here I stand now (or knelt, it doesn't really matter), humbled and broken. For many a great lessons have been taught to me, through the painful method of life experiences no less. I have learnt from the past, but that was not enough it seems. Not enough capabilities to deal with the present.

And so, He seen fit to deal me another hand of cards, and this time, it was much more painful. Much much more....

Much like a child lost his twenty cents to buy a pack of sweets...

Much like striving to reach heaven only to find that you went in the wrong direction...

Much like having your wings torn off...

More lessons, more pain, and hence, one grows up faster. I begin to see things in a totally different light, in a more expansive view than the one of mortals...

In a bigger arena, the big picture slowly appears right before my sight...

It almost feels as if my vision has expanded for now I could see beyond the horizons. Even the smallest detail could not escape my eye...

But what use do I have for such capabilities? It does aid in decision-making however, and the one thing I have learnt through all these lessons, however painful is that....

In love, in the most magnanimous version of love, one only seeks the other to be happy. Even if one is hurt in the process, one does not deal back hurt to the one he loves.

For she must be happy and not sad.

For no tears should come to her eyes.

For her lips should not be upturned.

For at the age of sixty, there should be no frown lines.

For at the age of sixty, there should be no regrets for both.

And above all, her happiness should be above the concern of your own.


That is what I have learnt.

And she is who I love.


Your servant
Aristocrat

Sniped Wings

Pining
As the sea lapped against the sand
Grasping
For the unreachable beauty of land



************************************

For that beauty that was within my grasp and is not within my grasp. Though I was put down again, back into hell....

Fly I SHALL!!!

Soar! Spread my wings, spread them far and WIDE!!

I shall reach for the beautiful heaven again!!!

Bleach

Wordless...
*courtesy of http://tiana.ravishing.net/?p=24

Kanji
癒えない　痛み　悲しみで　キズついた　君よ
消せない過去も背負いあっていこう　生きることを投げ出さないで

つないだ君の手を

いつか失ってしまうのかな
薄れていく　笑顔と君を守りたいから
響く僕を呼ぶ声さえ枯れ
時に沿う風にかき消されたって
君を見つけ出す

癒えない　痛み　悲しみで　キズついた　君
もう笑えないなんて　人嫌いなんて　言葉そう言わないで
見えない未来に起こる事　全てに意味あるから
今はそのままでいい　きっと気づける　時が来るだろ

錆びきった人のように

重なり合うだけで虚しくて
一人で生きて行けるって言ってた
ありふれたやさしさ言葉じゃ
今はもう届かないほどに　君は疼きだす

つないだ君の手は　なにげないやさしさを求め
Do you remember
痛みを知る事で　人に優しくなれるから
Drive your Life

癒えない　痛み　悲しみで　キズついた　君
もう笑えないなんて　人嫌いなんて　言葉そう言わないで
見えない未来に起こる事　全てに意味あるから
今はそのままでいい　きっと気づける　時が来るだろ

How can I see the meaning of life
消えてく　you’re the only･･･

こわれないようにと　離れていく　君
もう笑えないなんて　人嫌いなんて　言葉そう言わないで
今は by and by　見えなくったて　全てに意味があるから
消せない過去も背負い合ってこう　生きる事を投げ出さないで

You’d better forget everything. Remember･･･ your different Life?
You’d better forget everything. Remember･･･ 戻らないけど

歪んだ記憶のような　時の中でいつか解りあえるから

Romanji
ienai itami kanashimi de kizu tsuita kimi yo
kesenai kako mo seoi atte ikou ikiru koto wo nage dasanai de

tsunaida kimi no te wo

itsuka ushinatte shimau no kana
usurete iku egao to kimi wo mamoritai kara
hibiku boku wo yobu koe sae kare
toki ni sou kaze ni kaki kesaretatte
kimi wo mitsuke dasu

ienai itami kanashimi de kizu tsuita kimi
mou waraenai nante hito girai nante kotoba sou iwanai de
mienai mirai ni okoru koto subete ni imi ga aru kara
ima wa sono mama de ii kitto kizukeru toki ga kuru daro

sabikitta hito no you ni

kasanari au dake ga munashikute
hitori de ikite ikerutte itta
arifureta yasashisa kotobajya
ima wa mou todokanai hodo ni kimi wa uzukidasu

tsunai da kimi no te wa nanigenai yasashisa wo motome
Do you remember
itami wo shiru koto de hito ni yasashiku nareru kara
Drive your Life

ienai itami kanashimi de kizu tsuita kimi
mou waraenai nante hito girai nante kotoba sou iwanai de
mienai mirai ni okoru koto subete ni imi ga aru kara
ima wa sono mama de ii kitto kizukeru toki ga kuru daro

How can I see the meaning of life
kieteku you’re the only. . .

kowarenai you ni to hanarete iku kimi
mou waraenai nante hito girai nante kotoba sou iwanai de
ima wa by and by mie nakuttatte subete ni imi ga aru kara
kesenai kako mo seoi attekou ikiru koto wo nagedasanai de

You’d better forget everything. Remember. . . your different Life?
You’d better forget everything. Remember. . . modoranai kedo

hizunda kioku no you na toki no naka de itsuka wakari aeru kara

Translation
Injured with pain and sadness, the you that cannot be healed
Shoulder the burden of the past that cannot be erased; don’t throw away your will to live

Your hand that I held…

Will we lose it someday?
I want to protect you and that disappearing smile
The ringing voice that calls me dries out
Even if it gets erased by the wind along time
I will find you

Injured with pain and sadness, the you that cannot be healed
Don’t say words like you can’t smile or you hate people
Everything that happens in the unseen future has a meaning
So stay like this, there’ll come a time when you will realize

Like a rusted person

It felt so hollow to just pile atop one another
You said you could live on your own
Just with the usual kind words
You ache to a point where I cannot reach you

Your hand that I held searched for some simple kindness
Do you remember
By learning pain, you can become a person who can be kind to others
Drive your Life

Injured with pain and sadness, the you that cannot be healed
Don’t say words like you can’t smile or you hate people
Everything that happens in the unseen future has a meaning
So stay like this, there’ll come a time when you will realize

How can I see the meaning of life
Disappearing, you’re the only. . .

So you will not break, you distance yourself from me
Don’t say words like you can’t smile or you hate people
Now it’s by and by, even if you cannot see, there’s a meaning to everything
Shoulder the burden of the past that cannot be erased; don’t throw away your will to live

You’d better forget everything. Remember. . . your different Life?
You’d better forget everything. Remember. . . though, we cannot return

Like in times of warped memories, we can understand someday

Wings of a Fallen Angel

Fallen angels. Who has never heard of their infamy throughout the earth? For it was told and told, passed down through generations, that in the beginning of time, Lucificer led a revolt against Heaven and God. And for that unsuccessful rebellion, they were cast down from the Light above into the darkness below, destinied to burn in Hell. Though the fallen angels believed that they had their free will and acted out of their choosing, all their individual actions were at God's behest.

That is what I am now.

Not unlike a fallen angel. Perhaps I am exaggerating things a trifle, but well, I do have a poetic license to do so, ain't it? I believed I was in heaven, even if only for a while. Such bliss and happiness is not to be found elsewhere. However, I too, was cast down. Of course, I didn't lead a revolt against Heaven. Hmmm, it seems that I am treading a fine line between blasphemy and poetic licensing here.

A long hard fall from the so called paradise above. Into the bowels of the earth. Am I in hell? I do not know, for there is nothing but darkness around me. I can neither see nor hear, nor feel anything. It is as though I am in a void, trapped in the space of nothingness. Is this a transition?

A myriad of thoughts flow through me, an empty vessel floating in nothingness.

Lessons. However cliched it may sound, rings too true in my ears. However hard I try to drown those voices out, it seems that I am still able to hear them.

The higher you soar, the harder the fall.

How true.

The wounds have yet healed.

On the outside, everything seems fine. Inside, dealing with the pain is still a problem.

Dam it up?

No, let it all out. It would feel better.

Ah, the pain, it's already gone.....Has it?

...

All that is left is a dull throbbing.

At least...I know my heart is still there.

Thus, I would then learn from this lesson, remould myself, strengthen my wings, spread them wide again, and soar into the skies once more.

Back to heaven.